I forgot who I am. I forgot about the existence of my real self. I was swallowed into a sea of external existence, giving myself into what other walking creatures demanded. I tried to comply, to fit into a hole that wasn’t shaped for me, so I obviously broke. I lost some pieces in the process, the most important ones, but somehow I didn’t even notice. How?
I was distracted by the soft silk in their voices and all the shiny sparks on their skin. I was taken from my own space, but I am to blame, and no one else. I think I wanted another self, not realizing how necessary my true being was. And I was on the right track, until I got lost into the forest of a foreign heartbeat.
I forgot about my strenght, I forgot about the light I carry within me. I forgot my own words, my own points of view, all of my lessons. I put it all On hold, pretending it was part of the process… And somehow it was.
We think we understand some things, until we realise… We didn’t understand shit. I thought I had been lost before, and therefore I could relate to the “I finally found myself” feeling. But no, I didn’t know what this “self” actually was, so I didn’t know what I was supposed to find. I wasn’t sure at all. I was just wandering around, not knowing where I came from, or where to go next, hence the feeling lost.
I was never really lost, so I never actually found myself. I was becoming myself. But like a fish in the water, I didn’t even realise what I was swiming in.
I think, now I understand it better. I think, I did lose myself this time. I had me, and then I didn’t have me anymore, I don’t really know who took over. But I would like to change my point of view on this right now.
Maybe I wasn’t actually lost from my path, I just took a detour. I took the longest road.
But now I need to come back home. And coming back home doesn’t mean turning around. It means finding the path again, so I can step on firm ground. This time knowing better what all of this inside of me means. What is the purpose of it. How to use it, and how to keep it, how to take care of it and nourish it.
Yes. I need to come back home. I need to come back to myself.
Picture from pixabay
My self from the future, 20 years from now, has sent me a letter:
It’s been years now.
When I look back I can’t believe the person I was back then. Who was she? And how did I become into this? What happened?
I think I slowly started to fade, and I disappeared in the back of my head, as I let a strange ghost take over everything I thought I was. It was easier. I didn’t have to fight so much that way. The world shaped me even when I didn’t want it to.
Except it didn’t actually shape me. It deformed me. It killed me so very slowly, drowning all my dreams, asphyxiating my innocence, my will to love, to live, to learn… Until all was left of me was an empty shell, a robot of some sort, a zombie.
At first I fought against it. I fought against all currents, against the gravity that tried to pull me into becoming what I feared the most. I dedicated to educate myself so I wouldn’t become one of them. I tried to be “strong”. I tried to remain soft, kind, loving. I tried to dissolve the feelings and emotions in my nature that wanted me to destroy. Myself. And everything else. Stay soft. Stay kind. Stay loving. I tried.
But at one point, I couldn’t hold it anymore. I started to wish it was all different. I started to wish I was like them. Empty. But probably better. Maybe they were right, and I was the weak one. Yes, I should be less like this, and more like that. I don’t know exactly when it happened, or if something specific happened that shifted something in me and turned my switch off.
Is it better now? I don’t think so. Most days I feel dead inside. Just like the rest of them. The worst part? Most days I don’t even care. I can’t feel shit. I can’t believe I wished for this to happen. But I don’t think I care enough to make it change right now. Maybe today I care a bit more than usual and that’s why I’m writing this.
Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t do this to us.
I close the letter I found underneath my pillow a few minutes ago. It does sound like me.
I have been feeling odd lately. It’s been tough. Trying to remain myself. Trying not to get burned by all this fire. Trying to remain untouched by all the dirt they throw. It’s so difficult. Like some days I forget who I am. And I mean the real me. Not the crazy impulses and emotions that confuse me too. The one that lives in my heart rather than my mind, that’s my real self.
She’s so scared. It feels like the world needs to destroy her. There’s no place for someone like her right here. But I still try to maintain the flame of this spirit burning bright, against all odds. Even in the worst days, even when I feel like all is lost, something remains quite in the back, staring and listening. All I can do is stay still, but it’s enough to keep the spark alive. I don’t want to be taken down.
I don’t want to be alive but dead inside. I refuse to let it kill me. I refuse to die just because I feel too much. I refuse to be called weak just because I am so damn alive. I will stay soft… and kind… and loving.
I refuse to hide my heart.
Picture from pixabay
I am a river. You will never encounter me twice. You will never see this again. I am never the same when I look at the mirror, probably because I don’t do it often. I am never the same when I look deep inside my head, I am always discovering new corners, new rooms… New scars. It’s hard to notice because I am with myself all the time (how annoying), but change happens way to often. It’s too quick for me to follow.
I am a current, and I have no choice. Everything spins so fast, and I can’t stop.
I flow up and down, sometimes against the wind, sometimes against gravity. Sometimes against my own will.
Some days I go dry, like thirsty empty veins, waiting for another heartbeat.
Some days I don’t know myself. I can’t recognize this person. This mind, this body. I don’t understand the words that I speak, or the words that I hear. And I stay quiet, like stagnant waters… If I don’t move, I am sure it will pass… It will pass. My streams will flow again.
It will pass.
Some days I am light. I can see clearly, my eyes wide open, colors sharp, I can see all edges and shapes of a somehow easy reality… But some days I am dark. I see nothing but cliffs and empty spaces, too many painful questions and no solutions. I am attracted to sharp objects, and my skin longs and screams for things that I don’t want to understand.
It will pass.
Sometimes I go mad.
Sometimes I realize.
It scares me to think that sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I can’t do anything about it. I just stop and stare. Until it passes.
I(t) will pass.
It took me years to understand that it would probably always be like this. The river will always flow until it goes dry. But it will be a river again, soon enough. (And it will dry once more.)
River from pixabay
If you are awake enough, you know how it should be. But just because you know it doesn’t mean it’s easy.
No one teaches us anything about love. No one teaches us how to love ourselves, for starters. No one teaches us anything about human relationships. We think it’s implicit, because it just happens. But we know nothing. We make mistakes after mistakes, doing the best we can with what we have, and with what we think we know. But how many of us take the time to learn anything about loving right?
We don’t want this. We don’t want pain, we don’t want to suffer, we don’t want to hurt. And yet…
When I was a kid, I didn’t believe in God, but I believed in some kind of heaven. My cute explanation for this was very simple: My love couldn’t just die and disappear. It was so big for me, so intense, I couldn’t even imagine how it could vanish when my body perished, because it had nothing to do with my body. It was a separate entity that took over everything I was. It had nothing to do with me, I could just stand there and feel it. The same way I could feel the heat of the sun on my skin, or the wind blowing over my face, love just flowed into my heart. So love would remain, even if I didn’t.
This thought shaped me into who I am today. But back then, even if I didn’t love right, my love was purer, cleaner, innocent. As I grew up I felt like the world started to pollute it. I promised myself I wouldn’t let the world destroy this part of me, but as time passed, this task became more and more difficult. I could feel it happen very slowly. I looked around and everyone was so shattered and broken, to a point where they wouldn’t believe in love anymore.
14 y/o me left messages for future me all around. I would write little notes and hide them where I knew I would find them later. They all said “Believe in love, it exists.” Young me was way wiser than present me. She’s still teaching me lessons no one else can, and reminding me things I forgot, thing I lost in the fire of growing up and getting hurt.
Now, my love is tainted of humanity. It comes with many things that should not be there. Things I collected from the world without noticing, without ever wanting to. It comes with jealousy, fear, selfishness, pain, attachment, and more things that shouldn’t belong here, things that I don’t want and I don’t need. Everyday I try to clean the mess, but it’s not easy.
Now that I know better, I know how it should be. Free.
Instead, it’s got spots all over. Up until a point where I didn’t think it was love anymore, but a very human thing in it’s place, something that would die with me. It took me some time to understand that just because something isn’t perfect, it’s less real.
Love is still there. Hiding underneath the mess. Scared. But untouched. It’s not less love just because of my humanity, and this weird program embedded into our brain that many confuse with actual love.
Our job is to undress it from all the layers of dirt it has from society, we have to polish it and nurture it. We have to study ourselves and learn what is part of it and what isn’t.
But please, don’t forget it’s still there. Don’t let the world and it’s ways tell you otherwise. Don’t let pain confuse you. Don’t let society fool you and tell you how love should look like. Learn yourself, study, don’t forget no one has ever taught you anything about it, and you just know what you’ve seen.
I still believe the whole purpose of our existence is to learn how to love again. I’m not talking only about romantic love. Love is everywhere. The whole universe is put together thanks to it. There’s no greater love than the one of atoms that hold each other to create matter. Even the spaces that look empty, they’re still there holding on to dear existence, drawing everything together even when it looks far away.
Love travels faster than light, because it’s just always there. And it will be there even after you are gone, after everything is gone, love will be the only thing that remains.
Heart from pixabay
I will release you, my imaginary, inside of the universe of my mind
So you can get lost forever, roaming through my brightest stars
I will let you fly over my planets so you can feel my gravity
You will never be real, you will wander around in perpetuity
My imaginary, because you don’t exist, and you never will
Because you are just in my head, not in this reality
All of your colors are mine, all of your edges and shapes
To define? To limit? Open your eyes so you can see again
I will draw you into existence, I’ll write your lines as you talk
Luring your voice seductive, I will pace the paths you walk
All the time in the world won’t be enough
Crafting you has been deceiving and trechearous
We can fit infinity into a cardboard box
But we can fit into our hearts no reason at all
Who are you? Without your eyes I am so small
I tried creating you, but then I hit a wall
If I am nothing without you
and you can let me fall
Am I the imaginary one?
Or is my heart your heart?
Illustration from pixabay
They say you should always trust actions instead of words. But I don’t think this applies 100% of the time.
Have you ever done something you regretted later? Have you ever taked bad decisions? Have you ever done things to hide what you really think? Or feel?
“Don’t trust their words, trust their actions, because they will show you why words are meaningless.”
Yeah right, because actions can’t be meaningless too.
Some people have a really bad idea of themselves, and they portray themselves as something entirely different from what they really are. This goes both ways. There’s people who preach about being super cool, when they are not. Some people say they are the worst, and they are not.
And then there’s people who seem super cool, but they warn you, first thing, they are not. It can take you a long time to figure out what they’re talking about. Until you finally realise you should have trusted their words first.
But we are not black or white, we are human beings, which means we have tons of shades.
Some people can’t see themselves clearly. Most of us can’t. We have many blind spots where we lose ourselves. The best thing we can do is try to be honest with ourselves first, so we can be honest with the world later. Easier said than done.
I am one of those who warns the people around me. The closest to me get it worse, because I try to let them see my worst sides, so if they stay, it’s because they really like me. Honesty can be brutal. It can break someone in so many ways, into so many little pieces. But it’s the best we can do.
It can break you. Being brutally honest with yourself is one of the hardest tasks you can manage. Not only is it difficult, but it’s heartbreaking, not to mention scary. It’s exhausting. But it’s something we must all do, if we are trying to learn anything about our existence.
We have to try and look into all the dark rooms in our minds and hearts, look at the darkness straight into the eyes and say: I see you. Only then can you own it, before it owns you. Only then can you avoid breaking yourself and others through lies, it doesn’t matter if it’s words or actions.
The more honest you are with yourself, the more honest you can be with the world, and the closest will your words be to your actions.
Actions lie too.
If you don’t even know yourself, if you don’t know who you are, how do you expect your actions will define you? If you are scared of who you are, of how you think and feel, how will you act according to your words?
And as I said, this goes both ways. Chances are you will meet someone who has made awful decisions in their life, but they turn out to be amazing human beings. These are the ones that learn from their experiences. Keep them around. You might learn a lot too
Sometimes words do tell you the truth first.
If you meet someone who wears warnings all over, trust their words. Also these people tend to be some kind of wonderful, just because they have managed the honesty part. But then again this doesn’t mean they are entirely as bad as they think they are.
You have see a person as a whole. Not just their actions and not just their words. Everything they do and say, is telling you something about themselves. The contradiction tells you something, and the lack of it tells you something too.
We love honesty, but no one is that good at it. So before you ask the world to be honest with you, look yourself in a mirror and be honest with yourself first.
Have the courage to accept who you are, with all your flaws, your weird psycho thoughts, your stupidly intense emotions. Be brave enough to explore yourself so it can’t surprise you, don’t let the darkness use you just because you don’t know it’s there. Trust in your light. And trust the light of others.
We all have some darkness.
And that is beautiful too.