• Love tainted with humanity.

    If you are awake enough, you know how it should be. But just because you know it doesn’t mean it’s easy.

    No one teaches us anything about love. No one teaches us how to love ourselves, for starters. No one teaches us anything about human relationships. We think it’s implicit, because it just happens. But we know nothing. We make mistakes after mistakes, doing the best we can with what we have, and with what we think we know. But how many of us take the time to learn anything about loving right?

    We don’t want this. We don’t want pain, we don’t want to suffer, we don’t want to hurt. And yet…

    When I was a kid, I didn’t believe in God, but I believed in some kind of heaven. My cute explanation for this was very simple: My love couldn’t just die and disappear. It was so big for me, so intense, I couldn’t even imagine how it could vanish when my body perished, because it had nothing to do with my body. It was a separate entity that took over everything I was. It had nothing to do with me, I could just stand there and feel it. The same way I could feel the heat of the sun on my skin, or the wind blowing over my face, love just flowed into my heart. So love would remain, even if I didn’t.

    This thought shaped me into who I am today. But back then, even if I didn’t love right, my love was purer, cleaner, innocent. As I grew up I felt like the world started to pollute it. I promised myself I wouldn’t let the world destroy this part of me, but as time passed, this task became more and more difficult. I could feel it happen very slowly. I looked around and everyone was so shattered and broken, to a point where they wouldn’t believe in love anymore.

    14 y/o me left messages for future me all around. I would write little notes and hide them where I knew I would find them later. They all said “Believe in love, it exists.” Young me was way wiser than present me. She’s still teaching me lessons no one else can, and reminding me things I forgot, thing I lost in the fire of growing up and getting hurt.

    Now, my love is tainted of humanity. It comes with many things that should not be there. Things I collected from the world without noticing, without ever wanting to. It comes with jealousy, fear, selfishness, pain, attachment, and more things that shouldn’t belong here, things that I don’t want and I don’t need. Everyday I try to clean the mess, but it’s not easy.

    Now that I know better, I know how it should be. Free.

    Instead, it’s got spots all over. Up until a point where I didn’t think it was love anymore, but a very human thing in it’s place, something that would die with me. It took me some time to understand that just because something isn’t perfect, it’s less real.

    Love is still there. Hiding underneath the mess. Scared. But untouched. It’s not less love just because of my humanity, and this weird program embedded into our brain that many confuse with actual love.

    Our job is to undress it from all the layers of dirt it has from society, we have to polish it and nurture it. We have to study ourselves and learn what is part of it and what isn’t.

    But please, don’t forget it’s still there. Don’t let the world and it’s ways tell you otherwise. Don’t let pain confuse you. Don’t let society fool you and tell you how love should look like. Learn yourself, study, don’t forget no one has ever taught you anything about it, and you just know what you’ve seen.

    I still believe the whole purpose of our existence is to learn how to love again. I’m not talking only about romantic love. Love is everywhere. The whole universe is put together thanks to it. There’s no greater love than the one of atoms that hold each other to create matter. Even the spaces that look empty, they’re still there holding on to dear existence, drawing everything together even when it looks far away.

    Love travels faster than light, because it’s just always there. And it will be there even after you are gone, after everything is gone, love will be the only thing that remains.

    Heart from pixabay

  • My imaginary (Poetry)

    I will release you, my imaginary, inside of the universe of my mind
    So you can get lost forever, roaming through my brightest stars

    I will let you fly over my planets so you can feel my gravity
    You will never be real, you will wander around in perpetuity

    My imaginary, because you don’t exist, and you never will
    Because you are just in my head, not in this reality

    All of your colors are mine, all of your edges and shapes
    To define? To limit? Open your eyes so you can see again

    I will draw you into existence, I’ll write your lines as you talk
    Luring your voice seductive, I will pace the paths you walk

    All the time in the world won’t be enough
    Crafting you has been deceiving and trechearous

    We can fit infinity into a cardboard box
    But we can fit into our hearts no reason at all

    Who are you? Without your eyes I am so small
    I tried creating you, but then I hit a wall

    If I am nothing without you
    and you can let me fall

    Am I the imaginary one?
    Or is my heart your heart?

    Illustration from pixabay

  • Human fragility: We are always dying.

    Have you ever been perfectly healthy and stopped for a minute to appreciate that moment? And maybe thank the universe or whatever for such an amazing feeling. You maybe aren’t feeling something specially great, but also you are not feeling anything wrong. Like appreciating those escarce moments when you can breathe from both nostrils, when normally, you suffer from allergies.

    When I get sick I think a lot about how I should be a lot more thankful when I’m perfectly healthy. So, recently I got a stupid flu, and it wasn’t even the worst flu ever, but I felt like I was a super fragile being. I get a regular flu and for two days I feel like dying. I can’t breathe right, I can’t sleep right, or eat, or talk… and all I can think of is how uncomfortable everything turns out to be just because I’m a little bit sick.

    When I was little I used to get a lot of paper cuts on my fingers. And because I was weird, and it felt weird for me, eventually I started to get paper cuts on purpose. It was amazing for me how a little, tiny cut disturbed my whole existence. This whole body is feeling right, but get one paper cut and immediately all you can feel is that piece of skin. Getting burned is also incredibly uncomfortable.

    The truth is we human beings are so very fragile. You can fall over and break a bone easily. You can sneeze so hard you can break a rib. You make a weird turn with your body and suddenly your knee is out of place (it happened to me). And yet, we look over and over for situations that put our lives in risk ON PURPOSE.

    What is it? Why do we love danger? Even if we are scared (raise your hand if you love scary movies). Why do we enjoy that rush of adrenaline and the possibility of, you know, dying? Why do we need to feel… so much…? Why do we need extreme experiences to make us feel alive? That’s just the way our body works.

    Such situations trigger a bunch of hormones into our brain, making us feel super-human, all of our senses work better and some other body functions slow down. Put all together and you get a rush of alertness and awareness that some people get addicted to. Pain from wounds (like paper cuts) also release endorphins, in an attempt to relieve the pain, but endorphins also boost pleasure.

    So yeah, that’s how the body works. But I’m not a scientist, I’m a weird hippy. So why?

    Are we so dead on regular basis, in our regular life that we need to search for something to make us feel alive? As we grow up less and less things make us feel excited( including food) so we start searching for different things to experience, and we go try exotic foods, weird sex positions and situations, different experiences, because we run away from monotony, and our senses start to work less and less. We start to die. We are always dying.

    But we are always dying because we almost never stop for a second to appreciate all the life in us. We should do it as many times in a day as possible. Thank your eyes, because you can (probably, how are you reading this?) see. Thank your skin, it’s the largest organ in your body, and it’s super sensitive, it gives you the sense of touch, it lets you enjoy the caress of the wind or from someone you love. Thank your ears, because music. Thank your tongue, because freaking chocolate. Your nose, because it’s awesome to smell people you like……….what?

    Start by thanking for the air you breathe. Have you notices the pleasure of inhaling and exhaling? It’s always there, but have you noticed? You don’t even have to put effort in it.

    Thank all your body, in sickness and in health, because against all odds, against your own will maybe, it’s trying to keep you alive. It works so hard, even when you are asleep, it literally fights for your life so you can eat those fries that actually kill it. But they make you happy, and your body is so humble that it says: “there, there, I’ll work the best I can with what all you are giving me, just for a chance to get one more day, one more shot at this, one more opportunity so you can discover what your existence means, so you can laugh, cry, and if you are lucky enough, so you can love.”

    Be kind to your body. Be kind to yourself in your mind too.

    Daily reminder: you are alive, but don’t forget you need to actually live.

    All images from pixabay